


Acceptance

by SofiaSaysHi



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: "mental health exploration" week...a tad late, F/M, Olicity Summer Sizzle 2019, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 17:27:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20157346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SofiaSaysHi/pseuds/SofiaSaysHi
Summary: "Because even if at times he struggled with seeing his worth….struggled to reconcile who he was with who he is….she did not. For her, his worth was easy to access and far outweighed the battered bruises his life choices contained."Oliver is planning a quiet evening with his wife with the intent of sharing a special secret...but reflecting on the memory of seeing his wife for the first time brings forth darker recollections he hadn't expected.





	Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone..this is another entry for Olicity Summer Sizzle 2019 for the mental health prompt from last week. The opening lyrics are from the Cowboy Junkies and their amazing song "Ring on the Sill"...a beautiful song in my opinion and worth a listen if you are inclined. 
> 
> Please be aware that in this story, Oliver experiences a panic attack. While it is brief, I wanted to let everyone know in case that is upsetting to some.

Do you remember when you’d pray  
To never see the day  
When someone would make you feel this way  
‘Cause you knew  
They would cut right through you  
And once inside, you were afraid they’d find  
Nothing to hold on to

Song: Ring on the Sill  
Artist: Cowboy Junkies

He fiddled with his wedding ring, liking the weight on his finger. “Ollie” would have laughed at such sentiments as his go to tactic whenever Laurel discussed marriage was to get lost in alcohol and women. But Oliver knew what Ollie didn’t….people could see you as you really were and still love you. Not that such a lesson was one Oliver learned easily. How long had he pushed her away? How many excuses did he make...to her? To himself? The truth was, in actuality, quite simple. He hadn’t thought he was worthy of her. Too broken, too damaged. And dimming her light was not on his agenda. Bad enough his work for the city tainted her from time to time. Amazing that she didn’t become jaded...well, not until he went to prison, leaving her to fend for their son and herself all alone. 

Shaking off those thoughts, he focused on the task at hand which was making his wife dinner. It wasn’t easy to surprise her but he was hopeful. Today was the anniversary of the day he first saw her...not to be confused with the first day they met. A story he has yet to share with her as he didn’t generally like thinking back to those days. Or numerous other days it seems. Days that involved images and memories that spent many an evening in his dreams. Until her. Always until her. People tended to view him as pre-island Ollie vs post-island Oliver. In reality, it was more accurate to describe the divide as pre-Felicity Ollie and post-Felicity Oliver. Granted the island triggered its own fault lines that wreaked havoc. But she saw him underneath all of that. Saw him and still fell in love. At times he would wonder about that. In the beginning, he just figured it was his physical self that enamored her. It’s not like she was subtle in her, um, admiration. It took him a bit of time to realize it was beyond that for her. That she actually loved him for...him. He simply couldn’t fathom how his actual character or personality could evoke such a response in someone like her...someone whose kindness, strength and beauty (the kind of beauty that truly mattered) was beyond any he had ever known. 

There was no denying that he still had his moments of wonder...and doubt. So many of his past choices filled him with shame and despite his attempts to rectify such mistakes, he still experienced episodes of self-loathing. Especially in regards to the pain he brought to her. Not just one moment of pain...layers and layers of it. Decisions made when he simply could not find her light...feeble attempts to “protect her” when in reality he was laying the groundwork to emotionally wreck her. Strong as she was, he knew her weak spots. Him being one of them...their life together another. 

While knowing her and loving her has been his absolute joy, remembering seeing her for the first time is a bittersweet event. Not exactly the kind of story you wanted passed down to the grandkids. He had been home...but not. And the glimpses of what else he saw during that visit...of what he had done...pained him. He glanced at his hands now...not clean by any means. But still she adored them...loved to hold them and have them hold her in return. So often she would stroke his hands speaking of how strong they were...how safe they made her feel...how much peace...and pleasure they brought her. He wished he could see his own hands the way she does. At times, he may catch a glimpse. Mostly he sees blood...and survival.

Sighing, he stopped what he was doing. Apparently his nagging brain did not want to shut off so he let himself reflect. After all...what you resist, persists. Taking a deep breath, he allows himself to remember how terrified he had been once he walked away after that first glimpse of her. She awoke feelings in him he thought long dead...dead due to necessity....again, survival. Not being able to stop his grin as she walked around the office talking to herself unsettled him. He had gotten accustomed to feeling lifeless inside….so experiencing that small spark of lightness threw him off balance. Which was not something he could afford. As a result, he tucked the memory far back in his mind. On occasion, in rare moments of weakness, he had thought of her. Imagining a different life...one that involved laughing along a quirky blonde with glasses and an affinity to ramble.

Meeting her, officially, years later was unexpected. She was as quirky as he remembered...and did not believe even one ounce of his nonsense. For a second time, his reaction to her surprised him...and was equally unsettling. He remained locked in survival mode and still could not afford the quiet calm he imagined she would provide. Which resulted in his stoic position and constant blocking of her affections. Well...to the best of his abilities. Various attempts were made to keep her at arm’s length. Yet her charm persisted. And soon she was one of the few people whose touch did not make him cringe. Eventually, it became the only touch he craved, seeking her out when the demons called. 

So despite his best efforts….Oliver Queen fell in love with his wife. Which absolutely petrified him because such feelings gave way to his largest concern yet...the concern of not being worthy of someone such as her..or worthy of something….anything... that she could offer. He was well aware of his persona...after all it was a carefully crafted ruse of his own design. People found him charming and confident….some would even say cocky. The assumption was that any woman would be lucky to have him. They had no idea. No idea how many times he starred in the mirror and saw nothing but destruction. No idea how frequently he felt he deserved the scars accumulated as payment for the blackness he brought to the doors of others. He made sure none of it was visible... nothing was out of place and no one saw more than he allowed. 

Except for her. She saw everything.

He really should give up altogether trying to hide his insecurities from her...seeing how he was painfully unsuccessful. She would crack him wide open...not letting him lay in self-sabotage. Sometimes she would use humor...sometimes gentle wisdom...sometimes she would use her loud voice...sometimes her delicious body. He never could choose which method was his favorite. 

Yeah...who was he kidding...he totally knew which method was his favorite.

Clearing his throat before going down that road….he returned to the task at hand. Or tried to. Except his hands had started to shake and his brow was covered in sweat. He knew what was coming next...the tightness in his chest...the buzzing in his ears...the low grade electric hum through his muscles.

Shit. This was not how he envisioned the night going. He wanted to change a difficult memory and turn it into something beautiful. To share with her his long held secret...a good secret, for once. To let her know that from the very beginning, she had altered him. To walk her through the very first moment of light she unknowingly brought to him. And to spend the rest of the evening worshipping her with his mouth and hands….she deserved nothing less. But in planning to share that secret, he opened up the door to other thoughts...thoughts far darker and dismal than what he intended to remember and reflect upon, bringing back a rush of memories he struggled to tuck away. Memories that told him he would lose her one day because Oliver Queen didn’t deserve a happy ending….Oliver Queen caused too much damage to those he loved and deserved nothing less than to have them leave...abandon him to save themselves.

He fought to stop the torrent of images that flooded his brain...tried to calm his breathing...refocus on his surroundings to ground himself with his senses….sight...sound...taste...smell...touch.

Touch…..

Suddenly, without even realizing she had returned home, he felt her next to him...cautiously placing her hand on his...telling him without words that she was present….that she had him. He looked into her eyes...saw the worry, but mostly saw the calm determination that they would make it to the other side of his panic attack...together.

“Breathe Oliver….breathe with me….in….out….in...out….just like that, baby...listen to my voice...feel my hand….you are safe...I am safe..William is safe...we are all safe”

She repeated her mantra for several minutes...never wavering, as was her way. Eventually, his breathing steadied...his heart slowed down...and the buzzing stopped. 

“I’m sor-”

“No apologies Oliver….never an apology for that...ok?”

He looked at her...his beautiful warrior of a woman...her strength amazed him. And considering he knew she would kick his ass for trying to argue with her over an apology...he simply smiled and nodded his head. With that, she offered him the space to just simply be...to allow his body and mind time to settle.

“Want to talk about it?”, she eventually inquired.

She had no idea how much he appreciated this question. No pressure to give the details of his inner fears...no judgment or even a hint that he was weak for succumbing, just for a moment, to the terror he had been experiencing. Just the simple acceptance of him. He let this knowledge wash over him. Acceptance. Knowing him as well as she did….and she offered acceptance without question. Because even if at times he struggled with seeing his worth….struggled to reconcile who he was with who he is….she did not. For her, his worth was easy to access and far outweighed the battered bruises his life choices contained. 

He hoped he would catch up with her one day...see himself as she did. Certainly he was working on it....improving bit by bit as was inevitable being surrounded by her love and...well, just her. Today was not the day to start that conversation...to once again lay out those particular insecurities seeing as she was well aware of their existence anyway. His intent for tonight was to share his secret….the secret that started it all for him...of how her light first touched him.

He shook his head, leaning in for a kiss. “No….I’m good baby...thank you.”

“You never have to thank me Oliver...and if you change your mind…..”

He gathered her up in his arms….“I know…I know…..maybe later….but for now….do you wanna hear a story?”

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer...I don't own Arrow and I certainly do not own any of the beautiful music/lyrics of the Cowboy Junkies...just find them inspiring.


End file.
